I laugh at the title of my last post.
I just read it, and I laugh.
Ok… I also cry a little bit, too.
I should hope that the reason is obvious why there would be a cry mixed in with an evil, bitter, sarcastic laugh.

I went to the Doctor today.
And he told me that my optic nerves are still very much swollen.

So. You want to know what I feel like right now?
I seriously feel like someone ripped all the hope I had right out through the front of my chest, slammed it to the floor and then did a dance on top of it…. a bad dance. All while I was watching helplessly, unable to do anything about it.

I hate living with this and more than that I hate that this isn’t the only thing with my health that cannot be fixed. I feel really jobbed right now… totally screwed over. I feel very much like I must have done something really super bad to deserve this business.
However, after I’m done having serious feelings for a minute, I switch gears and turn to my comforting, sarcastic, snarky feelings. (Cuz those are more fun.) Observe:
This is like the sickest joke ever. It’s like someone/something is controlling my life from afar and got bored.
It probably thought, “Hmm… let’s see how she does with a broken foot for 16 weeks. Well, she got through that ok… so let’s give her a good dose of RSD and see what happens then. Ha!hahaha! I think we got her. Look at how horrible she’ss doing! This is great! So funny! Oh.Wait…. looks like she’s making some sort of comeback. Hmmmm. What to do now….. Ohp! I’ve got it! Let’s very slowly, with a little bit of pain, take away her vision. This ought to be a GREAT show.”
And I’m sure it is.

Yeah. I’m pretty sure that is happening because I have no other explanation.
I refuse to believe that God would continually “test” me in this manner.
I also refuse to believe that my body really malfunctions in this way. If I believed that, I would really not be looking forward to growing old, I can tell you that…
So it stands to reason, well, MY reason, that this is all being done by some sadistic being that has some sort of control over what happens in my life. And I HATE this being. If I ever found this being that is making this happen to me, I would throw IT on the floor and do my own little dance.

~sigh~
Seriously, though. I have no clue why this is.
I just know I want it to stop.
I really don’t like watching my vision slowly deteriorate.
It is so depressing. And it is becoming harder and harder to fight the sadness and the fear.

I was really hoping for one of those cliche “Christmas miracles”. So stupid. So foolish…
But, I mean, those do happen, don’t they?
I don’t know, maybe they don’t…
I just know that it didn’t happen for me.
And I also know that I am SO angry at myself for letting false-hope get the better of me.
I know better.
I lived the type of life that I really do KNOW better.
Lesson learned. Again.

Oh, I’ll get over these feelings, I’m sure.
I have always found a way before, and I’ll do it again.
I’ll be sure to post again when I’m not so crazy…. it may not be for a while.