Long time, once again, between blog updates.
Oh well. I think at this point, it is expected.

So.
The news.
My appointment with the specialist is not until November 17th.
This neurologist better be good because WHOA.
This appointment was made in AUGUST, people.
And in the meantime, I am still slowly going blind in my right eye.
Fun, fun for me and mine.
Except that recently I’ve started getting some horrific headaches that I believe are related to my swollen optic nerve. (I think this because during the headaches I go all the way blind in my right eye until the headache lifts.) AND. (as if there should be an “and” in this situation…) The vision in my eye is still slowly, but annoyingly, getting worse with each passing week.
And let me tell you. It makes me soooo incredibly happy when I wake up in the morning with more haze in my vision than when I went to sleep the previous night. Yep. So.Happy.Am.I.

However.
There are days when I don’t have time to think about my eye and all its problems. (~gasp~)
School is keeping me more than busy and when I’m not doing school, I play my Mom role.
My children continue to keep me on my toes as they are getting bigger and more vocal in their protestations of my many shortcomings. Helene in particular has been really, REALLY funny lately.

The girl is in Kindergarten. And she LOVES school and anything to do with school.
But one day, she got into some trouble.
The first time, EVER, that we have gotten a complaint regarding her behavior in a school environment.

Apparently she and her three girlfriends were being way too loud in the bathroom one afternoon. They were laughing and screaming (no doubt the high-pitched little girl screams that we all know and love) and generally causing a bunch of ruckus together. The noise earned her a bad behavior note on her daily note home. When confronted about the situation she became very somber and repeated almost word-for-word her teacher’s account of the incident. I had to fight back laughter during her recitation. I asked her why they were being loud. And she promptly explained that one of her friends was being really funny and that they were just laughing at the silliness. I asked what was so funny. Well, her friend had kicked her leg up in the air and her shoe came flying off. In the bathroom. (She couldn’t help laughing while telling me what happened… so funny.) And, of course, to a passel of five year old girls, this was the funniest thing in the world. And since I myself thought this was really funny, I was fighting back my own laughter once again.

So. I did what I had to do.
I let her off easy.
All I managed to get out was to keep it down next time.
Then I had to remove myself from the situation in order to laugh my self silly.

I am so grateful for those moments.
They stay with me when I get really down (which is often).
And they make me smile when I don’t want to smile.
Thank Heaven for my family.
They save me more than they will ever know.

I usually console myself at the beginning of any major health problem that I will get used to it in time. I tell myself over and over again that it won’t be long and I will be living my life as if this new health problem were always a part of me. This strategy is not the best, but it works on some days.
Well, lately it is working less and less.
So that means sadness and helplessness envelop me more often than not.
And I am plagued more and more about the WHY’s.
And after the sad passes, it turns to resentment. Resentment of a life that is made harder than I believe it should be. Resentment of a life that is guided by things beyond my control. Resentment that my children are now old enough to understand and to remember this awful, awful time of uncertainty and fear. They know that there is something wrong with my eye. They know that I am too often in bed with a pillow over my face because of these new headaches. And they are starting to pray on their own that Mommy’s eye will get better.

If there was one redeeming quality about the worst beginning parts of my on-going RSD fiasco, I would say that it is that my kids will not remember the majority of it, if they remember it at all. I appreciate their concern for me and how cute they are when they pray about my eye. But it breaks my heart just as much as it makes my heart swell with happiness when Helene or Simon comes to my room, gives me an unsolicited hug, and tells my eye to feel better soon. Helene comes to my bedside when I am prostrate with a literally blinding headache to check on me. She’ll put her hand on my forehead and talks to me the way I talk to her when she is sick. So cute. Yet, to me, so sad. At this age, for sure, she should not feel compelled to take care of me. It rips my heart apart to even think about it.

But I know, that for the most part, this is all unavoidable and that the best needs to be made of this unfortunate situation. Though things are hard, I still smile everyday because I have three people in my life that make me unavoidably happy. I am grateful that Tyson and I are in school and find amazing peace in knowing that we are doing with our life exactly what we should be doing with it. I still get to wait a while longer to try and find out just WHAT is making my optic nerve swell, but how grateful I am that in the meantime I have much to take up my time. November 17th has been a long time coming. But I know that before I blink again it will be time to make the three hour trip down to the specialist.

Hopefully between now I then I will find less and less resentment, anger, and sadness.
I would like more peace and contentment, please.
Thanksbye.