I have been avoiding my computer.
I hate it in here now and I think I am finally understanding why.

I have too much to do on my computer.
I have about a year and a HALF of pictures that I need to get printed.
I need to update my kids’ websites so that family and friends far away can read and see what my kids have been doing…. You know. Without having to come here and sort through all my complaining before a glimpse of my kids will appear.
I have a TON of email to read and answer. I’ve let that nightmare get out of control and now I just don’t even want to go there.
I have two different “classroom in a book” courses that I really, really want to do but can’t find the time.
Oh yeah. And I’ve got the blog to contend with.

I’m sorry, but what I said in that last post was true. I’ve got nothing I want to say. I’m sure I could conjure up something… but the question is, do I really want to? The answer is obvious. I am NOT shutting down my blog. This blog, in my opinion, will never run it’s course because this blog is about my life.
I am tired. I am dealing with a lot of things and I’m not doing a good job. I’m sure at some point I will get over myself, but until then, just know that if I haven’t posted in a while, I will eventually.

Before I check out, I want to give an update.
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that most likely my RSD has not spread to my upper extremities. Also, I had an MRI to see if I had M.S. and I just got word that I DON’T. There wasn’t a huge chance and I wasn’t expecting the MRI to come back positive… but still. I’ll take good news when I get it.

The bad news is that I have severe carpal tunnel syndrome in my right hand. I have “borderline” carpal tunnel in my left. The resounding opinion of three different doctors is that I need to get surgery on my right hand to alleviate much of the pain that I am having. That sounds like a great idea until you hear that in recovery you can do NOTHING with your hand for three. weeks. I mean, you cannot MOVE your hand at. all. And guess what? That is my right freaking hand we are talking about. Take away my right hand and I’m pretty much screwed.
Anyway… I’m not sure if I’m going to get the surgery done. I’m not so sure that my family can take another span of time that I am basically useless. However, I cannot imagine living my life with such severe pain in my hand that it actually travels all the way up to my shoulder…
Decisions, decisions.

Ah. What a great year and two months this has been for me and mine.
I’m super happy that I’ve had this experience. I’m sure it will make me a better person in the end.

(And, I am really glad that my way of coping is to express myself through sarcasm.)

Seriously.
I come on here to pour my thoughts out onto my computer screen and….
Nothing. Nothing. at. all.

I think this is just part of blogging for so long. Either that or it’s the fact that I am pretty darn sure that my depression medication is actually making me worse.
I KNOW!
It is just all sunshine and rainbows here at Diary of the Nello!

Actually, I am pretty sure I am at a loss for words because all I have to write about is all the crap that is going on inside my head. And I HATE the inside of my head right now. And I’m sure that you all are hating what’s inside there too.
I’ve turned into a big fat black hole that complains about being a hole.

Really? I am sure I could come up with something hilarious to tell you about.
I’ve thought about the fact that I am a cyclical food craver (hello! Whoppers and Frigo string cheese!!) and that recently I have come full circle on my food cravings (because now I am craving things that I haven’t craved in SIX YEARS)…. and you know me. At one point I could have made that sentence into an entire post that, to me at least, would have been entertaining.
Now? I can only write the sentence and then stare at it.
Ohmygosh.
Don’t even get me started on Yo Gabba Gabba!!! I was SO disappointed in myself that in my last post all I could do was post of picture of the dude and say that he scared me. He scares me? What a freaking disappointment I’ve turned out to be! Even Karen knew that back in the day I would have had many a snarky thing to say.
And trust me!! It’s all there. I just cannot seem to let it flow anymore.

I’M SORRY!!!
I don’t know what happened to me. It’s like the funny part of my brain has taken a semi-permanent vacation and all that’s left is the person that cannot find those damn rainbows that my psych wanted me to find.

Who knew that a broken foot could do this to a person?
Seriously? Which one of you out there knew that this was a possibility when I posted this monumental post?
I want to know who you are….
Because then I would ask you why you didn’t tell me. (read: so I can blame someone else for my problems and send them the bill from my shrink.)

Right now I am waiting for my bug man to come and blast the inside of my house so that no more clicky-jumpy bugs fool me into thinking that they are possibly some sort of small rodent… Because I really don’t think my fragile emotional state can take another scare like that.

1. Karen asked me what my thoughts were on the new show “Yo Gabba Gabba“.
   Umm….
   My kids love it but DJ Lance scares me.
   
   There was one episode that Elijah Wood was on and he used the phrase, “dancy-dance.”
   Uh, that. was funny.
   If any of you have seen the show, I would LoVE to hear what you have to say about it.
2. I haven’t been on the computer much for the last few days because oh my gosh I am feelin’ it. Last week was one of the worst weeks of pain that I have ever experienced. I always think that the pain can’t get worse… and then, of course, it does. I really have no clue how I got through last week taking care of my kids, but miracle of miracles, they are still alive and happy. I was able to get a lot of rest over the weekend and am feeling much better. However, I have had to spend most of this week playing catch up around the house while also trying to take it easy so I don’t spur another horrible attack.
3. I got to go to my first psych appointment on Tuesday and Helene was lucky enough to score a go along with Mommy. Let’s just say that I pretty much cried the whole time. Any question that the psych would ask would put me into tears. I’m surprised I was able to give him as much background on myself that I did. Helene, thankfully, was busy listening to the ipod and coloring for most of the session. In the end the psych said, “Well, it sounds like you have a lot of bad stuff going on…” I interrupted with, “I know. I’m a bloomin’ mess. Horrible stuff seems to be coming at me on all fronts.” Then the psych said something that clicked. “This week I would like you to try and find some rainbows in your life. There might not be many, but look for them.” Then he told me that he wants to see me once a week. In my head, I knew that the once or twice a week visit was going to be recommended… but when he said it I was still bummed. See, I’ve been to counseling before. And I know that if you have to go once a week, you are not in a good place.
4. Patti gave me an award last week…
   
   I LOVE Patti-O. If you haven’t read her, do it. She is really great. As for me being nice? It’s all an act. I swear. And Patti knows that.
5. Last week Jane (the sweetest blogger on the webternet) hooked me up with a very, very cute and very fitting name-plate.
   
   Jane, Vivian Leigh and my upside down life thank you!
6. I recently have come into possession of a DVR and digital cable.
   The very first On-Demand movie I watched?
   “The Pirate Movie“. Ha!!!
   The very first movie I recorded?
   “The Allnighter“. HAha!!!

And I now leave you to your mounting jealousy.
(Of me being able to watch those movies whenever I want, of course!)

I needed a change.
I wanted to feel control over something concerning my body….
Because heaven knows that is not going well for me nowadays.
So what does a girl do in this situation?
The same thing she does when she dumps a guy or gets married to a guy.

Not only did I chop the hair…
I went back to my roots. Well, sortof. I went mostly brown with a big hint of red and then added some blonde hi-lights so I didn’t completely FREAK OUT when I saw that I now have what could loosely be called, “brown” hair.

What do I think of it?
I LOVE it.
I love it I love it I LOVE it.

Incredibly enough, this is just what my Doctor should have ordered.
Let’s see how long my high lasts, shall we?