I love you enormously.
But. You. are KILLING me.

Why?
Because today you made paste out of goldfish crackers and water… and then you proceed to finger paint with it on. my. COUCH.

Seriously.
I can’t leave you alone for two seconds.
Between the goldfish paste and the toilet water in the house, I am going In.Sane.

I love you.
You are hilarious, sweet, feisty, and smart, all rolled up into one little gorgeous package.
But can you just stop with the gross messes?
Please? Pretty please?

Love,
Mommy (or Kelly, depending on what kind of day it is.)

Before I begin, I just want to direct your attention over to my friend Matthew’s blog. The soon to be VERY famous Matthew interviewed me and he just published it. You totally should go and read it. He is a fabulous interviewer. I would recommend reading about what this interview project is all about and then supporting him by putting one of his buttons on your site.

**Now back to our regularly scheduled program.**

So, I joined a gym.
And I figured that it might me a good idea for someone to teach me how to use the gym.
You know… because I haven’t stepped foot in one for thirteenish years.
Sounds like a good idea, right?
Mm-hm. You would think.

I met with a personal trainer last Wednesday. Before I completely start going off about this experience, let’s just get a few things out in the open.

1. This personal trainer turned out to be about ten years old. (read: nineteen-ish)
2. He had a perma-smile. Not kidding. His smile was PERMA.NENT.
3. Kid Trainer was FIF.TEEN minutes late to our appointment. Apparently he had to “get something out of his car.” Oh, really? Is his car parked a freaking mile A.WAY?! And get this. Kid T did NOT apologize OR make the time up during our session. What a freakin’ jerk.
4. And the kicker? He told me that the gym is his favorite place to be. Umyeah. I promptly interpreted that statement as a lie and quickly figured out that this kid wasn’t just going to show me how to use the machines and give me a good workout regimen. Oh n.n.n.n.n.no. He was there to try to get me pumped about coming to the gym.

Hmf.Poor kid had no clue who he was dealing with.

Situation One: Lifting Weights. Which I hate.
Kid Trainer: “Most of the females I train are really tense when they workout.”
me: “Um… that’s probably because they are at the. gym.”
Kid Trainer: “What? Really? I love it here. This is my favorite place to be!”
me: “UmYeah. Most people don’t feel that way.”
Kid Trainer: “Really?”, said while looking genuinely bewildered.

Situation Two: Doing Sit-ups. Which I hate.
Kid Trainer: “Everyone always wants to rush through the sets on the ab machine.”
Me: “Psh. Yeah, because IT HURTS!” ~said while doing a thousand crunches~
Kid Trainer: ~disbelieving look on his face~
Me: “I knew it was a mistake to hire one of your kind.” (but I was kidding… sorta)
Kid Trainer: ~laughs uncomfortably~

I almost feel bad for being so saucy with him… but his tardiness and non-apology pissed me off. And as the session progressed, I started to understand that he only was wanting to hear himself talk and not listen to a word I was saying about how I wanted to take things slow and ease into an intense workout.
You know… because of my freaking hyper-color foot.

After all was said and done, I was left with a workout that is too hard for me to do. I have two sessions left with this yahoo, and guess what? I’m switching to another trainer. Preferably one who lives on planet earth and not planet gym.

I don’t even think I can begin to tell you how freaking sore I am. I think it has to do with all of my trips to the gym…. but I don’t know. It could be all of my trips to the refrigerator. I was going to write about the meeting I had with a personal trainer in the Wrap, but I decided that it merited it’s very own post… so stay tuned. It’s a good one.

1. This one isn’t exactly part of my week. This actually happened over five months ago… I just happened to remember to post about it this week. Anyway. Just look at how Simon writes his name.
   
   So cute I could possibly cry.
2. Tyson wrecked on his bike while riding on one of the busiest roads in town. I wasn’t there… but if I had been, I would have laughed really hard. Sadly, I probably would have laughed before finding out if he was okay…. Yes, that’s a fault of mine (laughing at other’s misfortunes) and I’m trying to work on it. Poor guy came home with a skinned up, bleeding elbow and a bruise, the size of his fist, right smack dab in the middle of his thigh. I patched him up really good just like the awesome wife that I am, but I have to admit that while I was giving him first aid, I was wishing that I would have actually seen the wreck. Man, that would have been awesome.
3. I made lemon bars on Tuesday and they ended up all “floaty”. And if you’ve ever had lemon bars before, you know that “floaty” is not a good thing. It’s actually really freaking disgusting. I showed Sherrie the floaty-ness and she agreed that lemon bars aren’t supposed to do that. Why don’t we go ahead and just add lemon bars to the list of things that I can’t make.
4. Tyson had a birthday. I’m not going to tell you how old he is for security reasons… just know that he is older than I am. By more than a year.
   
   Too bad the guy looks like he’s 22 and I don’t.
5. Since Tyson’s birthday falls on the same week as Father’s Day I ended up having to make him two cards. Ooops. You probably didn’t even know that I make him cards for these occasions. Well, I do because he likes me to. This year these cards took me about two hours, each, to make. As you can see, I am very talented with my construction paper cutting skillz.
   
   
   *By the way… the guy that looks like he is walking is actually supposed to look like he is running. I told you I had mad skillz.*
6. Helene picked up a new phrase this week and apparently she got it from me.
   So what’s the phrase? It is none other than, “I. seh. come. heer.”
   When she says this nice new phrase, it sounds very clipped and like she is gritting her teeth. Just like Mommy says it, I suppose. When I say that phrase I am usually trying to not yell or raise my voice even one. decibel…. but I am also rapidly losing my patience at that point, so it is a very difficult phrase to get out. The fact that she picked up not only the words, but the actual tone and mood of the phrase, just shows me, once again, how closely she really is listening to me. Too bad the kid doesn’t make such a habit of actually obeying. Now, that would be nice.

Tyson is going to attempt to take me to see Pirates again.
And I swear.
If it is sold out I am going to gouge someone’s eyes out.

I am afraid of all tiny, somewhat smallish, things that crawl or fly.
I cannot emphasize the words, “afraid”, and, “all”, enough.
Actually, “petrified”, may be a better word than, “afraid”.

Bees turn me into a waving, running freak.
Spiders show me the door to whatever room I happen to find them in.
Wasps and hornets make me run into my house and start praying that none followed me in.
And Mosquitoes. Oh, the freaking mosquitoes. Those are the WORST. Usually I don’t even know they are around me. I don’t even feel the freaking things on my skin while they are feasting away on my blood. Remember the time that I got bit what I thought was sixteen times, but was really twenty times, in ONE sitting? Yeah. If I actually saw a mosquito you can bet that I would run for my freaking life. Even with my bum foot.

Why am I admitting to all this?
Because the other night, Tyson and I were reading articles in the Onion.
And we came across this one:

Take two minutes to read this. PLEASE. It is so freaking funny and oh so SPOT. ON. for someone like me. I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face.

On a completely unrelated topic, Helene has taken to calling me, “Kelly”.
Yep. This sweet little itsy bitsy of a person is calling me “Kelly”. All the time.

I’m not really bothered by it… but I have tried to correct her. I usually say, “Helene. I’m ‘Mommy’. And then she usually says, “Thanks Kelly”, and then walks her baby butt away.
You know… half of my being thinks this is funny. The other half is a bit indignant that my almost three year old is referring to me by my “Christian” name.

I want to know two things from you people.
One. Did you read the bee article?
Two. Did you laugh your freaking patootie off, or what?
Three. If you didn’t read it… why the crap not? Two minutes, people. Two.
Four. Would you be bugged out if your toddler took to calling you by name all the time?

Alright… I guess I want to know four things.
And, yeah. I said, “Christian name” on my blog… also knows as your FIRST name.
Didn’t want any confusion on that one.

Guess. What?
I joined a gym.
And bought a bike. (I hope you’re ready for a lot of italics…)

Holy moly, what have I done?!
I’ve gone and committed myself to exercising, that’s what I’ve done.
Ah, crap.
How on EARTH did that happen?!

I’m thinking Tyson slipped a mickey into my morning vitamin shake….
Because, guess what?
I have not stepped foot inside a gym of any sort in a little over TEN years.
AND. The last time that my butt sat on a bicycle was about thirteen-ish years ago.
And there are reasons for that.
I’m not kidding about the time lapses. I wish I were… but I’m not.

You should have seen me test driving those bikes out. Tyson said I looked nervous. Well, that would be because for a minute there I was wondering if I even remembered how to ride a bike. It was a pathetic scene. I’m glad there is no footage of that nightmare.
Well, wish my foot and I good luck on our latest attempt at rehab. (read: which is the real reason that I’ve joined a gym and now own a bike.)

So far, I am really liking the gym scene. The kids have a lot of fun in the kids play area and I’m enjoying the women’s only room. Yep. I’m one of “those”. The women’s area is seriously the place to be. It isn’t crowded and it doesn’t smell like yicky boys.
I’ve only had the bike for 24 hours… but it has been a blast!! The family took a ride yesterday and well ALL loved it. I think we all look just a tad freakish in our helmets… but what are ya gonna do?

Safety first, right?
(Too bad style can’t coincide with the safety part.)

I was tagged by Sheila an embarassingly long time ago… BUT. I’m playing. And THAT is what counts, isn’t it? I’m supposed to list six weird things about me. Oh yeah. This should be difficult.

Six Weird Things About Nello
1. I think that Paris Hilton looks like Alice the Goon from Popeye.
People, you saw it here first. Check it out:

Alright, maybe that doesn’t make me weird (it may actually make me a friggin’ genius) but I just HAD to put that out there.

2. I won’t eat string cheese until the expiration date on it is about two days away… Alright, alright. I like string cheese only when it’s OLD. I don’t know why but I can’t stand the mishy squishyness of new string cheese. It gives me thd heebs. (Heeby-jeebies, that is.)

3. I wear fabric ponytail holders (read: “scrunchies”) to bed, but REFUSE to wear them during the day. Because nothing screams, “I give up“, like a fabric scrunchie from 1982. Really. Nothing.

4. I watch movies with the subtitles on. Especially if it is the first time I’ve seen it. And even more especially if there are any European accents present in the movie. I bet that would annoy the very ear wax out of you, right?

5. When I put my kids’ toys away I think about Toy Story and how the toys come to life as soon as the humans leave. This thought always makes me put the toys away “nicely” while NEVER turning my back on them. Ever. Crazy, much? Mmmm.Hm.

6. When I drink grape juice I have to drink it in this:

If that glass is not available to me then I will improv with this:

I don’t know why I do this… It may have something do with wanting to feel fancy while still in my pj’s. But it may just be that I am a freak with freakish tendencies.

Alright. Now that it has been yet again proven unto the webternet how very weird I am, I would like to know how very weird YOU are.
By now you should all know how these stupid memes work… (pronounced, “MeeMee” for all you novices out there.) Play if you want to. And if you do, tell me in the comments and I’ll link you here!

*Lizzle played!!! She is SO Awesome! (or weird…)