Late again with my wrap.
I get it. I suck at this blog.
I used to post FIVE days a week. Now I post on Tuesdays.
Like I said. I suck at this blog. Sorry about that.

1. Last Wednesday I happened to mention to my Doctor, Bruce the anesthesia nurse, and the x-ray guy (I think his name is Greg) that I had a blog. Don’t even THINK of asking me why I did that. I even told them the address to my site. Now, I don’t know if any of them remembered the address, or if any decided to come here and take a peek, but if they did….. I will be seeing you all tomorrow!!
   Anyhow. My Doctor hooked me up with an actual picture of what he does to me twice a week!
   
   That is my famous spine and that long, thin line going horizontally down the middle there? Yeah. That is the mile long needle that is used to inject me. I almost puked when I saw the size of that needle. (I swear I heard Bruce say that the needle is really seven inches…. but I could have been dreaming.) And the fact that the freaky thing is reaching for the anterior (the backside) of my spine….. YOUCH!!!! I figured that since I yammer on and on about my nerve blocks so much that you all might appreciate a visual. Think of me tomorrow when I am getting that done again. Because it sucks. And now you can see that.
2. I was linked to this last week as “Sounds like Jello” by the clever Patti-Oh!. Original and it made me laugh…. And. Not at all weird.
3. The boys in my family ran a race on Memorial Day.
   
   It was Simon’s first race and it was a quarter miler for kids five and under. He had the a lot of fun running and he ran the entire way. Didn’t stop for a breather even one time. I was SO proud of him that when he crossed the finish line I got all teary.
   
4. Tyson ran a 5k after Simon’s race and he did really well considering that he is very sick right now. I think he placed 150 out of 900-ish people. Which I think is freaking amazing. And once again I got all emotional when he finished…
   
   Probably because I know that I could never do something like that. I would collapse half way through the race and decide that instead of finishing that I would find a nice shady spot to take a nap. Yeah. That’s how I roll.
5. My row of hydrangeas that I planted last year are ALIVE! And BLOOMING!
   
   It is official.
   I love these plants. I love them so much that I am going to get a composter so that I can make my own fertilizer for them. I know I’m a tad loser about this… but I can’t help it.
   
   Those flowers are gorgeous. And I haven’t killed them!
6. My darling little cherub Helene has decided lately that no one can sing except for her. Here she is telling her Uncle “Bubba” to “Shtop Itt!” when he was singing the Ariel song that Helene likes.
   
   I still love it when she says “Shtop itt.” I think it the “Shh” that gets me. Or maybe it is her natural attitude about it. I don’t know… but whatever it is, I like it. She’s a saucy one, she is.

Alright. Enough of the blither blather. I am going to try REALLY hard to blog more than once a week. Believe it or not, I have got a TON of saved posts just waiting to make it to the webternet. I’m not promising funny or interesting. Just more posts.

Maybe.

In my little family situation, I am in charge of the camera.
I LOVE this arrangement because that I means I get to choose when I am photographed.
I HATE this arrangement because that means that I have to ask to be photographed.

Oh well.
Love it, hate it… this is what it is.

Every now and then, however, Tyson gets hold of the camera.
Without my knowing it.
And he’ll take pictures.
Pictures that I am unaware of until I am downloading them onto the computer….

Thanks Tyson.
You are just SO. funny.

It is nerve block time again, and that means you will be getting stories of how anesthesia makes me say things that I normally wouldn’t say.

Take the event of yesterday for instance:

I had to tell the nurse that I was a few (okay… seven!) days late in getting my period.
Before I go on you need to know a few things.
At this point in the story I have not been given any drugs.
You should also know that during this process of nerve blocks and pain medications, I have been advised that I should not, under any circumstances, become pregnant. Umm…. DUH!

Anyway. Going to go to my nerve block appointment and having to tell them that I had missed my freaking period was number one on my list of things that I didn’t want to do. I knew I would come across as being dumb, irresponsible, and worst of all… A big fat pain in their ass.
So I followed up my “I missed my period” speech with, “I am pretty sure that there is ZERO chance of me being pregnant, but I thought I should tell you guys anyway before I go back into surgery.”

Basically, I wanted to cover my butt. Looking back I should have just told her that we were, in fact, controlling birth and that my period was just jacked up because I am a major stress case with just about one nerve left. But. I said what I said because I didn’t want to have to go into all of that. Plus, I knew that no matter what I said after telling them that I was SEVEN DAYS late that they would make me take a pregnancy test anyway.

So you can imagine my shock and surprise when the nurse replied to my bumbled speech by saying, “Oh well… if you’re sure you’re not pregnant then we just won’t worry about it.”
Hmm. Hind sight is 20-20 and what I should have done was insist that I take the pregnancy test just in case. Instead I said…. wait for it…… NOT. ONE. WORD. I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I knew I wasn’t pregnant and I really didn’t want to take the pregnancy test, so I thought (but really, I knew better) that I was in the clear.

Before you ask what the big deal is on taking a pregnancy test, I’ll tell you.
The fact is that Tyson and I are just about positive (and when I say “positive” I mean we are vasectomy positive) that we are not having any more kids. While I am mostly okay with that, I’m sort of not okay with that. Right now I am just freaking sad that we aren’t going to have any more kids. And I am so pissed that it is because of my awful health that we are stopping. So for me to see the one line on a pregnancy test right now is not what I would call fun. It is what I would call mean.

Moving on…
After I was done with Arlene the check-in nurse I was left to read until my turn came.
After about forty five minutes of waiting, Bruce the anesthesia nurse came and gave me the drugs. As he was wheeling me back into surgery everything started getting hazy. And from this point on I don’t remember everything, but I do recall the important things.

My Doctor started asking me a bunch of questions and one of them was regarding pregnancy. I told him that I was “late” and he immediately was annoyed. I instantly went into defense mode and told him that I did tell the check-in nurse that I was “late”, that I use “__noneofyerbizness” for birth control, and that Tyson and I had “done it” x amount of times this month and had controlled birth each. time.

OHMYGOSH! I CANNOT believe that I said all that. I gave him specifics.
And NUMBERS!!!

Do you see? Do you see what this stuff does to me? It wasn’t only my Doctor that heard all of this either. Bruce the anesthesia nurse heard it and so did the x-ray guy.
Oh. the humiliation.

Long story short, I was wheeled back to pre-op and got to take a pregnancy test. And instead of Scott the nurse just telling me that the test came back negative, he felt the need to show me. Thanks, Scott. I wouldn’t have believed you if you hadn’t shown me the peed on test. I managed to keep the tears inside my eyes at this point and I was so proud of me and all of my control. But when Bruce started to tell me that the next time I was “late” to tell the nurses beforehand, I cut him off and almost (came this. close.) yelled at him that I DID! He sort of chuckled and said, “Oh, that’s Arlene for ya.” And I retorted with a very smart roll of my eyes.

To make this story even more horrifying and humiliating, Sherrie, who took me to the appointment, had to hear me re-tell the story to Tyson….. without any censorship of any of the incriminating details.
Oh yes. Sherrie knows us very well now.
Numbers and all.
Sherrie. I am SO sorry.
Please know that I would never EVER have said those things under normal circumstances.

Never. Ever.

Obviously I am home from the BYU trip.
And since I don’t have too much to report at the present, I’m going to post something useless.
Completely pointless, actually.
But I think I’m on to something here….

Who else thinks that Jennifer Aniston’s dog looks a little bit like Brad Pitt?

Seriously. Just look at that dog’s mug.
Look again. At the face.
You’ll see it.

You do see it, don’t you?

I think that I have become generally opposed to doing my famous Friday Wrap on Friday’s. I just can’t seem to get it done on time. Oh well. At least I’m doing it, right?
This last week my kids, once again, taught me a very valuable lesson. Although, it is one that I cannot seem to learn… I should not EVER let them out of my sight while they are awake. Never. Ever. I have two incidences to share.

1. The first: Simon locked himself, Helene, and I OUT of our house at three in the afternoon a few days back. Uh.Huh. That was fun. I was in the backyard with the kids and I was reading a book. (The Count of Monte Cristo, if you care.) I was really engrossed in the story and did not notice when Simon stepped inside the house, LOCKED the sliding glass door AND the screen door, stepped back outside, and closed both doors. Yeah. I could not get into my house and it was like 90,000 degrees outside. AND… Tyson wouldn’t be home for another two. hours. Nope. I couldn’t just pop off any screens and crawl through any of my windows. I keep my house shut up good and tight at all times. (You know…. so nobody can “get me” or the kids.) It was a horrible two hours. Horrendous, even. That was the day that Simon learned that he could pee outside any time he wanted. Um… That’s just great. And, might I add, GROSS.
2. The second: A few days ago I was checking my email in the middle of the day (Ha-Uge mistake.) and was thinking (read: deluding myself) that the kids were actually being good and not destroying anything. I didn’t hear any fighting, or silence, or any type of splashing noises, so I thought I was in the clear. Ha! I now shake my head and laugh at how very stupid I can be. I walked into my kitchen when I heard the sound of silence and my jedi senses told me that something was amiss. I walked over to our bin ‘o beans and oh. my. gosh. Simon and/or Helene had dumped an ENTIRE carton of goldfish crackers into the freaking beans. And then MIXED them in. Yeah. I was speechless. And a smidge ticked as well. But I didn’t know who did it and of course neither of those two are going to rat each other out. But really, I felt just a tad responsible. Because I was the STUPID adult who thought that a four year old and a two and a half year old could play on their own for about twenty minutes. Again. I laugh and shake my head at my sheer genius. Before you ask, yes. I picked them ALL out. One. by freaking one.

   While we’re on the subject, I’d like to take the time to explain why I have a bin ‘o beans. I get that question a.lot. The fact is, a bin ‘o beans is a GREAT toy for kids. Especially kids that have sensory issues like Simon does. We’ve had that bin ‘o beans since he was two years old. When he gets overloaded with too much confused sensory information and starts acting out by throwing inconsolable fits, we put him in the beans and a miracle happens. The fit stops within twenty seconds because his sensory system starts to calm down. The beans aren’t just for Simon though. Helene LOVES those beans too! She actually plays in them more than Simon does. The real beauty of this toy is that both of my kids will sit in that bin for about twenty minutes to and hour and a half. The mess of beans all over the floor is soooo worth the quiet time that I get when the kids are in there. So. If you have little kids I say get a bin of your own. You will come back here and thank me for giving you the suggestion. I can almost promise you that!

3. I mentioned in my last post that I have to get more sympathetic nerve blocks. I get to have six more along with the fun physical therapy. I currently don’t know how to feel about this. My foot has definitely taken a turn for the worse within the last few days, so it is definitely time for round three. By the time I’m done with this, I will have had 14… fourt. teen. of these procedures. Wow. Sometimes I cannot believe that this is my life.
4. I poured Simon a glass of apple juice the other day. And in response he said, “Mmmmm. You make it juuuuuusssst right.” I don’t know why… but I think that is the funniest thing to say about me pouring him a glass of juice. I really don’t know where he comes up with this stuff. But look at his cuteness!
5. Helene threw one of her infamous fits yesterday. But this time I got a picture of it.
   
   Wow to the size of her mouth, right? Maybe now you’ll believe me when I say that she is the loudest person that I have EVER encountered.

Before I say, “Farewell”, I just wanted to ask y’all a question. A few posts back I told you that I had bought “The Pina Colada Song”. I even put a media player in the post so you could listen to it, for cryin’ out loud! Anyway. None of you said anything about it! Does that mean none of you like the song? Did I just unknowingly expose another level of my geeky-ness to you?

Or are you just not paying attention to my blog music selections anymore because I’ve been known to play Milli Vanilli?

You are never going to believe what happened to me.
I MISSED an opportunity to get interviewed by the freaking NEW YORK TIMES!
Yeah. Missed it.
Why? How?

I was sick. And didn’t check my email for two weeks.
Within that time a reporter contacted me about my rant about that Glamour article.
He wanted to talk to me further about it as it had to do with a story he was working on.
Too bad that by the time I responded the article had JUST run on that very day. (I believe you have to login to the NY Times in order to view his article… which SUCKS.)

Needless to say, I was disappointed.
I mean. The New York Times.
I don’t know… maybe I am thinking it is a way bigger deal than it really is.
But still. The New. York. Times.

Anyhow. That interview was missed but I was NOT going to miss the next one coming down the pike. And although this person didn’t seek me out, (I actually, pathetically, sought her out to do this interview) I still wanted to see what it was like to be the answer-er of questions. Gracias Brillig!

Be warned. This is LONG.
But I Prah.Miss. that I will keep you entertained and you will learn a lot of things about me.
Come. On.
Have I ever let you down before?

That’s what I thought.
Now sit back and read.

1. If you could pick one person to have lunch with and then sit down and blog together, who would it be?

I would for sure pick my real friend Jen.

I haven’t seen this girl in THREE freaking years and I miss her terribly. She is my friend that tells me like it is no matter what. I love that about her. And did I already say that I miss her sooo sooo much? She has a blog, but rarely posts. And if I could have lunch with her I would MAKE her post about how our favorite restaurant Manuel’s is seriously the BEST Mexican food this side of the border. And after that we would go get pedicures together. Because that is what we do.

2. You are an AMAZING blog designer–and I can say that because I see your name all over the place and I’ve just been through your portfolio. And you taught yourself???? Tell us how you managed that and what you think is the coolest thing you’ve learned to do.

First of all, thank you for the compliment. Since I haven’t been designing (thanks to the disaster that is my foot) I have definitely felt the void. I really loved what I did. And I think that is how I managed to teach myself. I really wanted to know how to design pages for the web. So I started a blog. This blog, that you are reading right now, is almost two years old. And all because I wanted to learn to design web pages. I dissected a blogger design, bought some books, and just started playing. I was very frustrated at first because there was a lot of trial and error. Eventually I knew enough to write my own code. And that is what I think is the coolest thing that I’ve learned. I don’t just take someone else’s code and stick in graphics. My code is my code. End of story. I know what every stinking html tag does and how each and every html tag can screw up your web page if it is put in incorrectly. At the end of the day, though, it isn’t the code that makes me happy. It is seeing a pretty page that made someone else happy. Let’s face it. The internet can be a very ugly place. I want to change that.

3. Simon and Helene–are those family names? (I’M JUST KIDDING!!!) I think the names are ADORABLE! What is your child-naming process? Did you already know what you were going to name them before you had them, or did you just play it by ear? Do you have a list of names for future offspring?

You’re lucky you were “kidding” about the “family name” comment.
I was about to throw. down!
My child naming process? Very simple. I stick to one baby name book.
This one.

Circa 1969 baby!
It’s a book that my parents used back in the day and I stole it from them.

I would read that book cover to cover every night for the entire pregnancy. It helped me sleep better. While reading the book I would call names out to Tyson who would most assuredly veto 99% of them. Of the ones that both of us would like, which ended up being about four, we would end up debating over them for the last month of my pregnancy. With both kids we ended up not being able to name them until we met them in person.

We knew that Simon was a Simon the very first second we saw him.

I think it was something in his cry that confirmed it. However, it took us a good three or four hours to name Helene. Basically, we were so traumatized by the labor and delivery that it took us that long to get our crap together. If you don’t want to read about it, let’s just say it was a very traumatic experience for everyone involved. While I was in my hospital bed trying to figure out what had just happened to me and my new baby, Tyson was across the room with our daughter. He suddenly laughed out loud and said, “She looks exactly like you. She even makes your faces. She is so pretty. She is gorgeous. I think we should name her ‘Helene’.” His logic was that “Helene” was the prettiest name of the ones that we had gone to the hospital with and since our little girl was beyond gorgeous it just seemed fitting to give her the prettiest name possible.

Wow. This is turning out to be a freaking long answer. I probably could have gotten by with saying that we waited to see our kids before we named them. End of story.
But. You also mentioned something of future offspring. Sadly, we have no other names in mind because we are about ninety-FIVE percent sure that we are done having kids.
Yeah. I’m sad about it, to be sure. But I don’t feel that it would be very responsible to have more kids given my health situation. Who knows, though. Things could change. Maybe I’ll be healed soon enough. But as of right now, I don’t see my health situation getting better as I get older. I actually just found out that I have to get another round of six sympathetic nerve blocks. And I can’t talk about it anymore otherwise I will start crying while looking at my computer screen. Which is the epitome of pathetic-ness.

4. I’ve seen your wedding pics (gorgeous!) but I haven’t yet figured out why you were in Hawaii. So I guess my question is, why were you in Hawaii? Are you going back any time soon?

Why Hawaii? That, my dear, is a very common question. One of which I usually say, “Why NOT Hawaii?” But we all know that that is just an evasive answer because I really don’t want to tell you the real reason. However. There isn’t much on this blog that I keep “secret”, so I’ll tell you…. most of the reason, anyway! The biggest reason that we were married in Hawaii is because we didn’t want a huge wedding. I really don’t like big crowds of people and both Tyson and I come from very large families. I literally got sick every time I thought of being in a blaring white dress in front of hundreds of people. My family has history in Hawaii and I felt that it would be very appropriate to have the most important day of my life take place there. I knew that if we went to Hawaii my wedding would have less than forty people in attendance. Loved that. I also knew that if there were less people around, Tyson and I would be able to feel all of the important feelings associated with a wedding day. We had ZERO stress on that Tuesday in Laie. And that is why our pictures look the way they do.

As for going back anytime soon…. I have no idea. I hope to go back very soon. I hope we go back next week! We had thought that on our fifth anniversary we would go back. But we decided to buy our second house instead. Damn us for being “responsible”!

5. Okay, you just dropped the BYU bombshell on me!!! What’s going on with that? Why are you looking into it? If you go, what are your goals and what do you want to study?

Ah, BYU. Yes. For those that don’t know, I was recently accepted at BYU. I really, really want to finish my education. I received my associates degree when I was 26 years old and six weeks away from giving birth to Helene. That is how serious I am about finishing. I’ll even go to school while pregnant and relatively “old”. Which I think shows MAJOR commitment.
Anyhow. I, as well as Tyson, am anxious to get my degree. Mainly because if something were to ever happen to Tyson I would like to have a solid foundation to fall back on. We are seriously considering this big move. I love our house and I like where we live so it would be very hard to leave. But recently I’ve decided that my career of choice is going to be in pharmacy. I. Know. Nello the Pharmacist! Who would have thought?? Well. That just goes to show how little all of you know about me. Ever since I’ve made this decision I’ve been really itching to start. To get it done. It will take me two years to finish my bachelors in biology as well as all the pre-requisites, and then it will be another four years for me to get through pharmacy school. I’m sure to some of you that seems like a long time. But to me it really seems like nothing. I mean by that time Simon will be ten and Helene will be eight. They will still be SOOOO young. So that is that. We will be deciding soon what we are going to do…. and I may or may not keep you all posted!

****
And that is my interview.
I hope you weren’t bored or disappointed that you took so much time out of your day to read all of that.
Apparently now it is my turn to interview.

A direct quote from Brillig:

“And then, oh queen of taglessness, you have to offer to interview your readers when you are done answering your questions! Have fun! Thanks for playing!”

So there is my official offer.
I will interview ONE person. I just don’t have the foot power to interview several. So the first person who asks is the one who will get my prying questions. And I PROMISE to get you the questions asap. (But I’m going to be out of town until the middle of next week… so be patient.)

And I love that although Brillig has only been reading my blog for a month or so, she knows that I’m not a tagger. I think that is SO. funny. I’m glad to know that I am ever so transparent on this blog. Mission Completion!!