This week has brought out many things in me.
None of which I am really that proud of.
Buckle up. This is going to be a long ride.
I bet NONE of you make it to the end.

I have literally lost my head. I no longer have depth perception.
Not.Kidding here.
I keep bumping into everthing. Things are seriously jumping out of nowhere and into my way.
You know. Like walls. And cabinets. And doors.
I’ve got bruises, people.
Including one “under the skin” type on my freaking head. Should I be worried about this? Because I seriously just gave myself a dead-arm from slamming full force into a corner in my bedroom. A CORNER!! I really had to go pretty far out of my way to do that. Trust me.

I turned into the evil, mean, horrible, no good Mother that we all have always known that I would be.
Ha! Just kidding!
I’ve been that Mom since day one on this job.
Anywho. I bought my kids some matching Cars pajamas the other day. (LOVE dressing them the same because you KNOW they will hate me for it later.)

I thought I was being a great Mom. Well, I was… until morning. Because in the morning it was time to take them off. And Simon was not having it. He freaked out. I mean. He really freaked. He acted like I was taking off his skin. He was very unimpressed by me that day. I mean really. What kind of Mom doesn’t let their kid run around in their favorite pj’s all day?
The mean kind. And that would be me.

I became an even bigger internet shopping whore.
~shock~ Could it be possible??? Uh…. yeeeeeaaaah.
I was talking to my friend Jessica at Church on Sunday and I was going on and on about how much I loooove kettle corn. Before you think how boring of a conversation it was, just stop right there. Jessica is down with the k.c. and we were ponificating on this to.gether. Anyway. I found myself admitting to her that I was seriously considering buying a certain brand of kettle corn online because I can’t find it in any stores around here. (Oh heaven help me and all my shameless internet admissions… I am such a LOSER. DANG.)

I really turned into a domestic diva the other day.
Yeah. I said, “domestic diva”. How sad.
How ABSOLUTELY sad that I just used that term on my blog. Anway….
I am now thinking that capris are “soooo 2003″. So I took a pair of my capris and I made them into bermuda shorts. Yup. I cut ‘em off and hemmed ‘em up.
All that work because all my shorts were dirty, my new pair of shorts haven’t arrived yet from JCrew, and I couldn’t get myself to actually wear a pair of capris. Not even in the house. And no. I’m not showing you the now shorts. Because I’m EMBARASSED at my resourcefulness.

I turned into an even BIGGER computer geek yesterday.
Some that know me in real life may think that this is NOT possible.
But alas, it happened.
I got so massively fed up with my business website host that I impulsively switched. I say “impulsively” because up until yesterday I had zero plans of ever switching. Too bad for them, their servers decided to be slow as molasses on a day that I wasn’t takin’ no crap. You may think I am a mover and a shaker… but really… I am only that lady on certain days when I just.can’t.take.anymore. So, completely on a whim, I learned how to transfer my entire website (took more knowledge of ftp than I already had), my domain, and my name servers. See? Told you I turned into a member of the Geek Squad. I bet most of you are currently like, “What the hell does any of that even mean?” But you know… it doesn’t really matter what any of that means because I transfered my site within ONE.HOUR. ONE! And I know for a fact that there was no downtime for not only my business site, but for all the numerous images that I host for various people. If you’re not impressed you should be. I know I am. And that is hard to do.

I tried my hand at artistic photography.
I wanted to show how much I love my garden but secretly love my gnome more.
I’m pretty sure I failed.

Well. That’s it. I’m done.
If you made it to the end of this forever post you have hereby gained my respect.
Thankyou. And goodnight.

Thirteen Things About My Holiday Plans

1. We are going on vacation!
Yay!
2. To Tyson’s home town.
Small Town, USA!
3. Normally small towns and Nello don’t really mix.
I wasn’t born in a small town. I wouldn’t necessarily choose to live in a small town.
But you know. I’ll be damned if I don’t get just what John Mellencamp is singing about.

4. You see. Ty and I used to live in this small town.
For ten months. So I’ve got a good idea about what the small town scene is all about.
5. However. I actually miss this small town.
So this trip should be fun.
6. I’m not looking forward to doing the airport scene with my rug rats…
But I am looking forward to the doting Grandparents so Tyson and I can play.
Golf. That is.
7. I love the Fourth of July.
Even though normally we don’t do anything.
You know. Because of the crowds.
8. But this year I’m really hoping for a great BBQ and some kickin’ fireworks.
I’m a thinking that in Small Town, USA that the Fourth of July is just more fun.
9. We shall see.
10. I’m very much looking forward to the cooler weather up there.
Seems that the heat is triggering migraines for me.
11. Which sucks.
Because I now WAKE UP with headaches.
12. The sky in the small town is amazing.
Very clear, very blue. Striking, I tell you.
13. We leave Sunday and come back that Thursday.
I’ll be bloggin’ though.
They DO have computers there you know. ~shock~

PS: I put a few new Thursday Banners up on my site if you are interested.

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Just when I thought it wasn’t possible for me to sink any lower in all of my quirkiness nightmare…

Remember how I have a garden?
Well. I still do.

And it is pretty much growing and being fruitful. Except for the TEN strawberry plants that I planted. Only one survived. Just.One. I had even made a planter for these plants. And what do I get for my efforts? Dead strawberry plants. Even the one that “survived” is pretty freaking pathetic.
Oh well. The rest is doing marvelously.

You wanna know why?
Because I have this guy.

Is he NOT awesome or what?
That’s what I thought.

So what is my new level of patheticness?
I was watering my garden today and I did what I always do.
Water the dying strawberries, water the pumpkins, water the amazing bell peppers, and then I get to my roma tomatoes.
And then I see him. My gnome. And he looks hot.
So I water him too.
…. Because I feel badly for him.

WHAT???

It is a ceramic statue for crying out loud.
And I always water him too.
And I never thought this was weird until today…
When I thought… if someone saw me doing this there would be questions that would need answering.

ps. Have you SEEN this???
Uhhh…. BWAAAAHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA!

I love when people say stupid crap to me.

So today, I was walking Simon to his summer school class.
It is about 7:55 am which means that by NO means am I truly awake or in a great mood.
In case you are new here… I am not a morning person.

As soon as Simon and I reach the door to his classroom he begins his toddler escape move. You know… shifting his weight completely to the floor while simultaneously arching his back to make it almost impossible to prop him up to a standing position. He also starts saying, “Mommy no. Mommy noooooooo. Don’t do that.” This is completely normal by the way. He likes pre-school, but apparently he just doesn’t like walking through the classroom door. Without missing a beat I get down to his level and say, “Do you need a big hug buddy?” I do this to reassure him that everything is going to be okay. I’m not babying him. I’m.Not.

So I get him through the door and I can tell he still needs some hugs…. because he is still actively saying, “No…. no ank-you. No mommy, nooooo….”. I pick him up and start telling him that he’s going to have fun with the kids and that school is soo great and all that crap.
One of the aides in the class comes up to me and says, “Oh… he’s smiling at me. He’s okay.”
And in my head I’m thinking, “That’s great. I’ll decide when he’s really okay thanks very much.”
And even though all I did was smile at her and turn away, she STILL kept talking. Uh… Doesn’t she know the pain involved in me SMILING at her at this hour of the morning?

The genius aide then said, “You know, I love it when I see these kids playing their parents.”

Uh. What? Excuse me? Did you just tell me that my kid is taking advantage of me? DID YOU?
Because that would be NO. I don’t let me kids “play” me. I’m not that Mom. Trust me. Especially in the morning. However. I am the Mom that thinks that giving my son some extra hugs to make sure that he has a good day and knows that I LOVE him is not only NORMAL, but IMPORTANT.

I looked at said genius and said, “……huh.”
I then proceeded to walk away so I could detatch my son from my shoulder so his day could start.

I left the classroom and Simon was heard saying, “Bye Mom, see ya soon!”

What happened next is priceless. (read: Really pissed me off)
I get to the end of the hallway that leads outside. I hear my son running OUT of the classroom and into the hallway screaming, “Mommymommy, wait for meeeeeeee.”

No teacher is coming after him.
No teacher knows that he left.

WHAAAAAAT?!!!?

Uh. Hello you freaking pre-school teachers. My son just left your classroom and you didn’t even blink an eye.

I walked him back to the classroom and waited for someone to notice that he left.
FINALLY the genius aide was like, “He’s a fast one, isn’t he?”
I was like, “Yeah. I guess.” (With my eyebrows raised which usually means that I am so pissed that I’ve lost control of the muscles in my face.)
She looked at me sheepishly and said to the actual pre-school teacher, “Constance*, we need to keep our eyes open because Simon just left the classroom and we didn’t even notice.”

I looked at both of them, with the eyebrows still at attention, and let them know in a very non-verbal way that I was NOT okay with leaving my son with them.
The aide apologized and escorted Simon back into the room.

How’s that for starting my morning?
A crappy conversation with a side of negligence.
Yeah. That’s how I like to wake up.

*Names changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

“The Friday Wrap on a Saturday?”

Yes. I love that this is my blog and I make the rules.
That is absolutely, positively fabulous if you ask me.
Power trip, anyone?

Helene said “Oh crap.” the other day. Clear.as.a.bell. I laughed. And I shouldn’t have. But I did because I couldn’t help myself. I know she got the phrase from me and I should be ashamed of myself. But I’m really not. Because it was hilarious. And it turns out that just because you get married and punch out a couple of kids does not mean that you are mature. Not by a long shot.

Our garage door broke this week. Nice. We have a very cool vintage (read: original circa 1965) garage door. I love this door. Anyway. One of the springs EXPLODED. We are soooo lucky that nothing busted into our car that was parked inside the garage when it happened. But still. We are now looking at paying thirteen hundred bucks for a new garage door. I can think of sooooooo many other things that I would rather spend that money on it isn’t even FUNNY. A trip to Hawaii comes to mind….

I looked into the nutritional information of a Jamba Juice (The Orange Dream Machine) today because I want to make sure that THAT is not the reason that my clothes all seem to be shrinking. Apparently not. It couldn’t possibly be the kettle corn… By the by. I linked that brand because it is the best of the best. Trust.Me.

Due to popular demand I feel obligated. OBLIGATED. To inform all that the shorts that I am wearing in my last post are indeed from J-Crew. I got them at the NYC J-Crew store at Columbus Circle. I also have a green pair with embroidered hippos on them. Holly was like, “Are you sure you want to have hippos all over your ass?” I guess I am brave. Or shameless. Take your pick. Personally, I’ll go with shameless.

As usual I’ve been busy playing Mother of the Year to these two monkeys.
When I said, “Helene, smiiiiii-llllllle”, she smiled and then struck a pose. Holy crap. I am in trouble.
The only way I got Simon to even look at the camera was by singing songs. I believe we were singing some Sesame Street song in this one.

Thirteen Reasons I am Late Posting Today and Not Posting At All Yesterday

1. I’ve been very busy with my real life.
Yes. I have one. Quit laughing.
2. I had to go to the damn dentist today because apparently I cracked the oblique ridge of a massive filling I had in my upper right first molar.
3. What?
You’re wondering how I know that? I used to be a Dental Assistant. Duh. I’ve told you this before.
4. I am tired and my mouth is sore.
It feels like someone kicked me in the face. Twice.
5. You wanna know what is worse than going to the dentist?
Having to PAY someone to watch your kids while you go to the dentist.
6. I’ve been incredibly busy with designs.
Here is the latest.

7. I’ve been incredibly crampy because.
Well. If you don’t know then I don’t feel the need to tell you.
8. My arch nemesis (read: laundry) has returned to reek complete havoc in my laundry room.
9. Tyson had a birthday and being the amazing wife that I am, I threw a major party for him.
10. Okay. Not major. We went golfing with Holly and Bubba. (Even though Holly refused to play.)
11. In case you want to know (and I know you don’t, but it doesn’t matter because this is my blog and I don’t care) I shot 33 OVER par. For anyone who golfs… commense with the making of the fun.
12. I’m still in a blog-hate funk.
This phrase keeps going through my head, “You’re over me? …. When… when were you under me?” Again, if you don’t know what that means then I don’t feel the need to tell you. And. You may not be a true friend of mine if you don’t know where that line comes from.
13. I still can’t sleep.
Which sucks. It makes me into grumpy, tired Kelly. Which is why I fell off the wagon and bought some Nyquil yesterday.

Good.Night.

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