Alright ladies and gentlemen.
Get ready for a tale of an unprepared Mother.

Yesterday, while at speech therapy with Simon, Helene and I were patiently waiting in the grim waiting room. I was busy making sure Helene didn’t sit in front of the office’s door so she wouldn’t get slammed in the face. You know this is every toddler’s favorite place to be in any office.

Simon’s session is about 45 minutes long and with about 5 minutes left in his very last speech session (because he turned 3 and will be starting special day class preschool on Thursday… More later) two disastrous things happened. Let me preface this by saying that when you are a Mother of two toddlers one of the WORST things that can happen to you is getting caught unprepared.

Okay. First thing that happened is that it started raining. Happily, I made sure that the kids were dressed for this, but unhappily, me, myself, and I were not. I had no umbrella because…. Well. Because I was too damn lazy to find my umbrella yesterday. Second disastrous situation occurred when I spotted Miss Helene squatting and pushing at the same time. We all should know what this means. We all also should know that there is no stopping this train when it starts a chuggin.

What makes this so horrible is this:
Rain and crappy diaper don’t mix. Most of you are probably wondering why I didn’t just take the Miss into the bathroom and fix it before I left. My answer to that is because Miss Leney Loo did not finish until Simon was trotting his happy self out into the waiting room. So, you ask, “Well, you still could have taken her.” The big answer to that is a big fat NOPE. When Simon is done at speech, he is done. He wants to go right then, and if we don’t, he does his “Simon-Flop”. (You should know that a Simon-Flop is a toddler tantrum…. Only slightly louder than normal.)

We say our goodbye’s and I am mentally preparing for what is about to happen. I get out to the car, even though Simon jumped into about 10 puddles on the way, miraculously not drenching himself, but me instead. I get Simon in the car and proceed with the Crappy Diaper to the hatch of my Explorer.

Helene is nice and dry. My butt, however, is not. My butt is just getting pelted with rain. (Don’t I paint a great visual for you all?) I’ll spare you the play by play on the diaper change but suffice it to say that it was done. I put the Leney in the car and march my way over to the parking lot’s dumpster. I know this dumpster well. I have been coming to this very parking lot for over a year. Helene was about 2 months old when we first started coming here. This means that I have thrown away many a crappy diaper in this dumpster.

So, as I said before, for the very LAST time I march my wet hind-end over to the dumpster only to find that Waste Management has replaced the old dumpster with a new one. This means that the new one is locked and you ABSOLUTELY cannot get into it unless you are the Keymaster. I could get into the old one. The old one was so old, you could lift the lid enough to squeeze in a diaper or two. Not this one. I’m getting completely drenched at this point and I am damning Waste Management to hell.

Now I have to drive all the way home from Downtown (about 20 minutes or so) with a stinky diaper in the car. SICK!
The payback for being unprepared stinks.
Literally.

My husband thinks that I own all the periods in the land. (menstrual periods that is…)

“I’m supposed to get my period any day now.”
*at this point my hb starts laughing at me.*

“I think it’s funny that you say ‘my period’. I mean… who else’s period would it be anyway?”

“What do you want me to say? ‘I’m supposed to get the period?’”

“(laughing at me laughing at me laughing at me.)”

If you don’t think this is funny, maybe you had to be there…. but then again maybe it isn’t. Maybe I am just delirious because it is 1:15am…….

Behold.

My first pedicure since I was prego with Helene.

Let me just say this:
It.Was.Awesome.

Sister #2 and I went to get this done the day before Thanksgiving in preparation for the Turkey Day cooking marathon.

I hosted a dinner for 6 + my 2 kiddies….. and I cooked everything from scratch.
(note to self: NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!)

Tyson was a huge help in that he did all the dirty work!
I had him clean the bird (gross!), wash dishes (which he did without being asked…. so nice!), peel the potatoes, and cook the corn.

I won’t bore you with all the stuff I cooked…. But just let me reiterate here that it was all done from scratch.

After all was said and done, and about SEVEN HOURS later…
We ate.
It was good.
Damn good.

And before you click out……
Some crapvice for those who would like it:
When you have never cooked Thanksgiving dinner before and didn’t take the time beforehand to get recipes from family members for the Turkey Day staples (ie: stuffing, gravy, etc.) go to AllRecipes.Com.
THIS SITE SAVED MY DINNER!

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The site hasn’t officially launched yet but they are letting people sign up early and in return giving away 25 credits. So check it out!!!
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I don’t post very often about my kids.
I don’t really know why… but I am going to today.

These two challenge me in every way imaginable.
I absolutely cannot believe the curveballs that these two have managed to throw my way.
I’ve been a Mom for three years now and I am amazed at the range of emotions that I have been through in that relatively short amount of time.
I am pretty sure I have cried more in the last three years than I have in my entire life.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and today I am struck with how much I am glad that I’ve got these two in my life.
They make me laugh at things I never thought I would laugh at.
They make me cry at the most inopportune moments. (You know… In public.)
They make me a better person than I ever thought I could be.

Thank you, Simon and Helene.
Thanks for being my kids.
You’ve really shown me how to live.

I stepped in a pile of dog crap today….
In my front yard.

You know what?
I don’t have a dog.

My crazy neighbors let their freakin’ tiny-yappy-annoying dog out to come over to my house and crap on my lawn. This is a major suburbia no-no in my opinion.

My lawn, by the way, is currently covered in leaves courtesy of my gigantic mulberry tree.

Now, unbeknownst to me until this morning, when you put dog crap and fallen mulberry leaves together, you will get invisible dog crap!

I cannot describe the pissed-offedness that was emanating out of my head when it happened… but I am pretty sure that in the right light you would have seen actual steam coming out of my ears. This happened at about 10am and I am still mad.
Anyway. As soon as I realized that I had stepped in dog defecation I recalled the file in my head that is marked: “dog crap + Kelly’s shoes” and I realized that I had not done this since I was about 10 years old.

Damn the invisible dog crap.
Damn the crazy neighbor’s teeny-tiny-smelly-yappy dog.

Note to neighbor’s :KEEP YOUR YAPPY DOG OFF MY LAWN!!
Note to self: The next time Simon has a crappy diaper, take it over to the neighbor’s lawn and dump it where they will be sure to step…. you know… by their garden hose.

I went to see a movie alone last night.

Wait! Did you hear that gasp? That, my friends, was the gasp of all my friends and family who know me well enough to know that this is something that I have never done. Never.

Everyone told me that this was an event that I would enjoy.
Everyone lied.
I hated it.
I liked the movie… but for sure hated being alone.
Isn’t one of the perks of being married, that you have a permanent date?
Well. The people of the world that gave me that idea are liars as well.

As I walked into the theater to purchase my single, loner ticket to see Pride and Predjudice I was reminded how alone I was when a movie let out and a whole swarm of people passed right through my lonliness. Then, when I got into the theater I realized that I was the first and only one there. So I got the privilege of watching all the couples and groups of friends come into the theater while I sat there…. all friggin’ alone. Things looked up as the movie started because I was too involved in watching my favorite “chick” book of all time come to life on the big screen in front of me. The end of the movie was the hardest part of the night. I had no one to talk to about the show. All the socialness of movie watching was lost because I shared the experience with me, myself, and I.
Totally sucky.

Tyson says I should be proud of myself because I tried something new.
Guess what? I’m not.

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